In this post, you gonna know whole true story about Vicki Librescu, about what I had to went through, what I’ve never been told here and how I coped with it😔
And may be, it will give a strength and hope to many other girls.
Yes, this Instagram of power, personal growth and believe in good!
Please read everything from the first post, so you will have the full picture.
I have never been so exited about writing a post like today🙃
But today I am ready to share with you the most important news of my life in the last three years-I’m waiting for a child!🤰🏼
God, I am writing and crying, it’s good that the screen of the phone is protected from water!
Of course, you already “figured out” that Margarita is not Joe’s biological daughter, she is my kid from a first marriage.
Thanks to everyone who kept his face and didn’t bother me with questions, I’m not angry with those who sometimes went too far and asked too personal questions.
We are only humans after all..
Of course, as two adults and a loving persons, we wanted to continue ourselves in our kids.
We didn’t wait long and on the day of our wedding in Cyprus we made love.
Of course, we did this before, but at that time everything was different.
After our wedding i came back to Ukraine, Joe returned to Israel.
It was necessary to collect documents, things and prepare Margarita for the move.
I remember I was walking by Karl Marks Avenue in Dnepropetrovsk, and suddenly felt – oh my God, I’m pregnant!
I went to the pharmacy, bought a test, went to McDonald’s toilet.
And yes – two strips!
Immediately I made a photo, but didn’t send to my husband.
I wanted to stay with this moment by myself…
After a while I had a meeting with my girlfriends.
I came first, ordered myself a non-alcoholic mojito and started to wait for my friends.
We had a great time, chatted, laughed as usual, they asked me to show them pictures from the wedding, I gave them the phone saying: look by yourself!
They looked at the pictures one by one until they reached the photo of the test (I sent it to my husband of course, we celebrated and then I forgot about this picture)
Girls congratulated me, one of them even made a notice, saying that I am not suppose to walk with a high heels! I need to walk on a flat!
After all there were packing of things, farewells to all relatives, overweight at the plane and relocation.
And only few people know that I moved to Israel on the 3rd month of pregnancy.
Here we turned to the private doctor, because I didn’t have an insurance at that time.
Gynecologist appointed tests, examinations, in general, everything that was supposed to be done.
Also, knowing my Joe and his passion for researching of “British scientists”, it’s not difficult to imagine how many genetic tests, including amniocentesis, we have done.
About it, I’ll tell you separately in one of the posts.
All tests showed only positive results, in a sense that everything was “ok”.
I felt very good during my pregnancy, I swam , did sports, learned Hebrew, looked after my family, took Margo to hobbies.
I did not have any new social circle at that time, a few friends from the language school.
I absolutely did not want to make any friends, didn’t want to be liked by somebody, I just lived by the moment and by myself, for myself!
It was an 8th month of pregnancy.
In January Joe had to leave for Romania for a few days.
He came back and found me very tired.
The same day we went to the doctor on ultrasound, she looked at him and said everything is ok, on her opinion the child was sleeping at that moment.
The next day we went to buy a bed, a stroller, a bath and all the other “bigger” gadgets.
We ordered everything and on the morning of the next day they supposed to bring everything.
In the evening, I felt completely exhausted, just lack of energy, as if i am sleeping.
We went to the hospital “Ichilov”. I was taken to listen to the heart of the baby.
Everything that happened afterwards was.., well, how to tell you, it just happened and happened to me.
At first they didn’t find the child’s heartbeat-they thought that he turned over and took me to another room with very serious and precise equipment.
The doctors looked, searched, talked among themselves, but they did not tell me the results.
Then they called an professor and he made a conclusion-the baby is dead.
Please, try to keep from pity and condolences!
Its simply story of my life, no more!
After all the tears, screams, hugs with my beloved husband and understanding that everything with a kid finished very badly, i got an extreme desire to get him out of my system.
I screamed like crazy and demanded a cesarean section!
The professor took me by the shoulders and shaked.
He explained, since the cause of death is still unknown, they can’t do to me Caesarean.
The baby died three days ago and around it formed different and dangerous for me and my body liquids!
Artificial contractions stimulation by vaginal capsules and dropper was
the only and safe way for my health.
You will ask, what happened to Margarita?!
And I do not know, and I even didn’t care about her.
Self-preservation instinct took over everything in this life.
I knew that if l’m not gonna get him out from my system as quickly as possible, I might die.
Quickly did not work ..
I was stimulated for 3 days, I was going around the hospital, on the steps, squat, and did everything to speed up the process.
But in fact, Margarita was taken away by her friends from the kindergarten, whom we almost didn’t know.
That was a good example to demonstrate Israelis willing to help.
I owe that family till today!
As a result, Margarita lived with them for 4 days, all the time that I spent in the hospital
Every 3 hours many doctors were coming to me, checked the disclosure, and only on 3rd day I was taken to the maternity ward.
Now it’s gonna be an ode to Israeli doctors, their ethics and empathy to me.
Russian midwife Mila was waiting for me.
She hugged me and said: honey, we will do everything well, do not worry you’re still young, and you gonna have a baby.
At that time I didn’t care, I wanted give a birth.
Then anesthesiologist came and said: Well, since God decided so, we obey his will, I promise that you will feel nothing, just breathe, and put me an epidural anesthesia.
There was a moment of happiness here, because if to compare my first natural births of Margarita in Russia, and these one (not very successful, let’s say) but, epidural its a genius thing!
I was pity that I didn’t have an epidural at first time with Margarita.
I think my impressions and psyche would be better!
Then I already adjusted myself to my grief and only listened to the midwife.
Childbirth passed quickly enough.
With the placenta was a misfortune, taken out by hands, and thanks God, successfully.
After all, I was transferred back to my room and here new stage began-awareness and acceptance of the grief.
A psychologist was waiting for me in the room.
I said that I’m fine and don’t need a therapy, yet..
After all, I had Joe!
Now I think, if it was not him, but some other husband, I would go crazy.
Only he and no one else helped me and understood me for real.
This tragedy brought us closer together, and we really became a spiritual couple.
The hardest thing was to come home and see children’s things, beds and strollers Joe managed to cancel.
I cried days and nights.
I didn’t want to leave the house, because even at hospital when I returned to the room “without a belly” people sent congratulations “mazal tov” to me.
This happened thousands of times: people congratulated me, then they saw my eyes full of tears, understood and apologized.
I wasn’t angry with anyone.
I was angry only at myself.
I thought that I did it all wrong.
I blamed only myself, and it took me a while to extract this guilt from myself!
Gradually I started to go out from the house.
My husband pushed me to continue to go to the language school, was difficult to return to the same team.
I came and said: it did not work ..
This was, perhaps, the first step to accept myself in a new role..as a woman that lost a kid.
Then friends started to call with questions: where do you disappear, dear?! Did you give a birth?
I said yes, but kid died..
Not everybody could understand my condition and stoped asking, most of the “friends” wanted details-how and why Israeli medical system didn’t work?
I sent them to the block list forever!
I know that you will ask about Margarita, how did she stand it?
Again, Joe, Joe and Joe and our kindergarten teacher Lena, our angel, helped Margosha to deal with this loss.
She was 5 years old.
When she understood what’s happen, she cried so long and hard, and then said: Well, since he decided so, maybe he’s better for him, in heaven?!
Since then, she believes that she has a personal angel in heaven, her angel brother.
Oh, kids, kids, what are you doing with us?!
Probably it’s good to stop here.
Don’t ask about the cause of death, doctors and researches failed to establish it.
Only speculations and guessworks.
That was the most unhappy ticket in my life.
I wrote all this, mostly for myself.
It took me 3 years to return to myself, start to live, start to love myself again and accept myself and with this tragedy too.
This is my story, it’s a part of me, and I love this in me.
Girls, dear ones, if had a similar story in your life, the only way to help yourself -to continue to live on!
So, welcome to my new world, very personal, very truthful, just mine!
Without this experience of grief, I would not be the same person, as I now.